Currently Fearless By Taylor Swift White Horse see related

Bitter and Lifeless

Hello Reader(s),

   I broke up with Micah last Saturday. I was tired of all his restrictions: stop everything I'm doing at 9 pm and talk to him for two hours on the phone, let him know when I'm going dancing with my friends, who's going, when we're coming back, not allowed having my friends who are guys in my room, not allowed to get a ride with Ryan to Columbus airport to go see him unless there's another girl in the car, not allowed to be out after it's dark. At one point he wanted me to call him every five hours. I felt like I couldn't ever do enough to make him happy. There was always something I'd mess up or forget. I told him that I wanted to live by myself for a little bit after college and backpack in Europe for two weeks on my own and he told me I was selfish because I never thought about him.

   He emailed my mum afterward I guess and asked some questions. My mum said she wrote back telling him that I broke up with him because I felt too controlled and listed his controlling factors and told him that you don't tell a girl she's not allowed to do this or has to do that. Apparantly, he understand then. His dad is controlling and it's just the environment he was brought up in and all he knows, so I guess he didn't see how those were controlling. It's kind of been internalized in him. So I broke up with him.

   I felt a sense of release after I did. Like I was free. But now...I just feel bitter and lifeless. Like something is missing. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going on with me. My mum said she'd be willing to sit down and talk with Micah about things like what's controlling and ect. which sounds good, but she asked me whether I still have "sparks" when I see Micah. I can't answer that though...I don't know! I need to see him to know and I can't because I just broke up with him and I'll probably have to wait until summer to see him. May be I acted too rashly when I broke up with him... I think I still love him, because why else would my heart be aching so much and hurting? Like it's missing a piece. I'm barely concentrating in class and on homework. I'm not completely there when someone is having a conversation with me. All I know is that I feel dreadful and lifeless. Apathetic and burdened.

   My friend Sydney here at school has constantly told me how ridiculous the things Micah does are. She's always been disapproving of him, without having to say it and I wonder if may be she influenced me in some ways. Which is kind of dumb because she doesn't know Micah and she doesn't know what it was like when we were together, before college happened. She never saw how great we were together. All she saw were the negative sides of Micah because he's so lonely in Florida, I'm all he focuses on. That's partly his fault and partly not. It's certainly not healthy for me to be the only thing he looks forward to, but it wasn't always like that. I used to have space from him. But he doesn't have a seperate life down there like I do up here, so I'm always his cushion. And he'll want me around more often because of that which kind of stimulates his controlling tendencies. And that's all that Sydney's seen. She hasn't seen how much fun we have together, how thoughtful he can be. Like when he got me a build a bear when my wisdom teeth were pulled and I was in bed for two days; when he went on vacation to Florida with his family and he sent me a bottle with sand in it and a message; Or when he threw me a surprise birthday party; when he gave me his iPod shuffle when I lost my iPod; when he got me a pair of converse shoes for no reason even though he hates them; when he tutored me for math; when he came to the play even though I told him I wasn't on very much or to the musical when I merely worked backstage; when he stuck up for me when his best friend made a comment about me. He was good and treated me well.

   I'm leaning toward just seeing what happens this summer. Calling Micah and telling him in order to be with me not be controlling, talk to my mum, and waiting until we're both out of school to see what happens. I would like to give him a second chance. I don't know though still. But I miss him. And I think I'm still in love with him. I feel like he won't want to though. I feel like I've caused him too much pain and hurt him too much for him to come back to me. And that's I would understand that. The thing is, it kills me how much I'm hurting or hurt him. It was the worse thing I've done in my life.

   Aaaaargh! I am getting no where. I have not idea what to do or how I feel or whatever. All I know is that I feel like crap.

With Bitter Love,
Sabrina

Currently Reading Walt Disney: The Triumph of the American Imagination (Vintage) By Neal Gabler see related

Just What I'm Feeling

I feel content.
The arms of content wrapping, hugging, warming me.
A sea with bursts of rasberry pink, metallic orange and honey yellow
Swoosh around, up, sideways,
Looping, twisting and turning...
Then back down sprinkling my awestruck and glad face.
The twilight lights dance dizzingly. dazzlingly
Adding to the mastery of this painting with their streaks of twirls
Their flashes of illumenessence.
Merrily, they follow
Those shape-shifting mermaids flying with the breezy and gentle
Whisper of the current.
Glorious is the scene.
Joyfilled heart, streaks of liquid
Glistening, moist and sparkling
Fall from the windows of my soul.
Down they slowly stream over the hills of my cheeks,
Dripdrip-dropping to the ground.
So free, so bright, so adventurous they go.
The harmony hums heavenly in my ears
Calling me to the dance...
The rythm infects my feet, my hips begin to sashay from side to side
Unable to contain the urge,
Knees bend, gravity is broken as I float and glide toward the ball.
I twirl, swirl and dip with the celestial maidens,
Finally I have come home.

Currently Listening U2 - The Best of 1990-2000 By U2 Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of see related

18 days

Morning Dearest Reader(s),

Tomorrow I leave with Micah for Florida. Yes, it'll be fun but it's all starting to register that my days with him are significantly numbered. Honestly, I've been wanting to get off the "single" list since I was a freshman. However, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend my senior year because it would be utterly pointless since we'd obviously be going to college (at least I would) at the end of summer. It's high school. How many high school relationships last during college and the rest of your life? Not many. And I didn't want to deal with the pain of getting attached to a person only to have to say goodbye to them. So I made my resolution. I did not want a boyfriend my senior year of high school.

And when do I finally get a boyfriend, I ask you? Senior year. The first time that I guy in finally interested in me and I in him at the same consecutive time happens senior year. The year I want to be single for reasons stated above. It's times like these when I want to look to the heavens and scream, "Do you get a kick out of this? Do you seriously have some crazy morbid sense of humor with playing with people's emotion that this situation amuses and entertains you??"

It's not that I don't think Micah and I will last. I know we will. I know he's for me. I've never been happier. It's almost as if I never realized how empty I was until he came along. Like I never knew what the word "happy" even was until he introduced me to its true meaning. It's just that I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle not being with him. I'm so ....ugh, I can barely even think the word 'goodbye' without the threat of tears stinging, burning my eyes! How can I say that to him? How am I suppose to be composed while I give him one last hug, one last kiss, say goodbye, turn and leave him?  Gah! Why can't it be the other way around!? Why can't I start first so he leaves me and I can go to my dorm and disintegrate into the puddle of tears I know that will come. I seriously dread this moment and it's all I can think about lately. I know it's not goodbye forever, but it still burns in my chest. Shadows swoop in and swarm over my heart, constricting it into tiny and painful spasms and gasps when he's not with me for long periods of time. He's my shooting star that makes the shadows go away so I can breathe again properly.

Sorry to be so corny or emo or cliche.

I just feel such despair as the days near that final hour. I guess that's why I've been trying to keep myself busy. So I have other things to distract me from the forbidden thought. So I don't think on it, don't dwell on it until I make myself completely and utterly mad.

I need to go and do something. I've been contemplating this too much as it is. I love you all.

With Distractions Are Great Love,
Sabrina*

Currently Reading Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4) By Stephenie Meyer see related

Ohio University

Hello dear Friend(s),

Life is hectic right now. But when is it ever not, honestly? I had OU orientation, signed up for my classes, am completely surprised about how some days I only have one class, and I have only one more Hall of Fame event left. Yay! I have to thoroughly clean my room, get packed for OU, continue on my quest of writing thank you cards to a few people, go down to Florida (and Disney World) with Micah, spend time with my mother because she's acting crazy about me leaving off for that great voyage of education (not to mention the fact that I will never need to ask for her permission about anything ever again), and do a bit more college shopping. In the course of this week. Mostly. Holy crow!! I wish I didn't need sleep. I could may-be accomplish all of this if I didn't have a need for sleep.

So, yea. College. I'm ready. Let's go! Goooooooooo Bobcats!!

But I am really going to miss you guys so terribly. I'm growing up and I don't know how to stop it. I've left Peter Pan heaps of voicemails and he never returns my calls. The punk. Leave my window open every night and nadda! What's up witht that Pan?!

Breaking Dawn: so far it's a dissappointment. It's gotten just a bit ridiculous. I'm quite impartial to it, but whatever.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince movie comes out November 21st. I didn't enjoy this book much, but let's see what Warner Bros. does with it.

I just found out too, that I have November 20-January 14 off. A whole 6 weeks off school!!!!! Holy crow!!! That's amazing!

I miss you guys. Are you  busy thursday? I want to hang out.

Currently Reading Eclipse (The Twilight Saga, Book 3) By Stephenie Meyer see related

So Much To Do...

Hello my dear Reader(s),

I haven't been on here for a looooo-ha-hong time. Much has happened. I got on the Hall of Fame Court, graduated, made loads of money at my graduation parties, went to Europe, and got a laptop. Yay!

There are so many freaking graduation parties. I'm like...eugh. But I haven't actually been to a lot mainly because of Hall of Fame. I just get so tired of having to deal with some of the girls and the things we do. I actually like the community service stuff though. I like doing those kind of things. I just hate doing it with some of the girls on the court. Emily is cool though, as is Carly, and Sarah. Ashanti is okay, Jessica is okay....the queen...not so much. I don't get mad easily, but it takes like all of my self control not to lash out at her with some of the things she does or says. Oh my gosh! It's like, are you for real?? I thought people were only that shallow on television. Guess not.

Well, my mum is out of the hospital. She's extremely sick though. I've mainly been hanging out at home helping out. Watching Merce, cleaning up, feeding Merce. Seeing if Mother dear wants or needs anything. Last night I came home from Micah's house (I had been cleaning his house for money seeing as I can't get a real paying job because of Hall of Fame) and I was like, "Hey mum! How are you feeling? Do you need anything?" She was just like this poor pathetic little creature. She was like, " No. I just need you to get away from me! Your perfume is making me sick!" I couldn't smell my perfume...nor could my Aunt Jeanne or Micah. Aunt Jeanne is staying here until Thursday. Yay! She's my favorite. And Bethany is here too, so she keeps Mercedes occupied as I type this up. Jeanne just went to get her eyes checked, so I'm watching.."watching" them.

I'm a little upset with my mother though. She said she spent way too much in Europe and she needs to take some of my graduation money. It's my money and it's not my fault that she spent more than she should (like she always does) in Europe. I need that money. So, I don't know what to do. I need to set up my own savings account. I really do. She has all of my money in her bank account because she was like, "Let's put it in my account and when we get back from Europe we'll get you your own account." Now I know it was all some ploy just to get a hold on my money. I told my sister Tiffany and she said that my mother did the same thing to her when she was young. Tiff had a bunch of savings bonds and apparently my mother cashed them in and used them. It's my mother! And I can't even trust her. I"m just so upset, I don't even know what to do.

Today I have to clean my disaster of a room. I garuntee it will take 5 hours. Then I'm going over to Micah's for a bit because his dogs almost ate one of the kittens! He has three kittens: Cali who is a calicough, Jack who is black and white and Artemis (Arty for short) who is the poor little grey and white one that was almost eaten alive! Apparently, Micah's dogs have eaten cats before. Apparently, they like the taste of cat. So when Mitch went to let them out to give them water, they ran to where the kittens were and got a hold of poor Arty!! Micah's mother said she had to pry the dog's mouth open and Mitch had to choke it with it's collar to get Arty out. I was like....OMG!!!!!! Those kittens are like my babies. ......I probably will become crazy old cat lady.

Anyway, Arty is okay, but is limping. So I'm going over today to see how he's doing. This happened like right after Micah and I left his house. I flipped out.

Well, I have to go children. Need to get started on my disaster of a room.

With Arty Love,
Sabrina